This winter has been a rough one for me. Every winter I develop seasonal depression, due to the decreased light and outdoor activities. This can be really devastating for me, especially combined with my already-there symptoms, such as mood swings, chronic boredom, impulsivity and already long standing periods of depression.
Not having the light of the sun that I so desperately crave can really bring me down hard. I lose interest in most things I used to love. This year I found myself losing interest in video games, my spirituality, sewing, and writing. Losing interest in the things I used to go to to feel better can be very difficult for me. It makes me feel like I have no where to turn to, nothing to do, and nothing to put my energy into. So instead I end up mindlessly scrolling through my phone, hoping for the motivation to come to me. Throughout this tough winter, I have been attending regular therapy sessions and adding skills to my tool belt to help aid in my down swings as well as my up swings. If you don’t know what I mean when I refer to “up and down swings”, I’m talking about my bipolar disorder and how it presents itself in periods of long term mood swings. I have depression-based bipolar, meaning that my down swings are more frequent than my up swings and also stick around much longer than my mania would. Most of the time, I end up using my skills without even being aware of it. They are engrained into my brain as a way to help me cope when I am having extreme negative emotion. Throughout my time with my therapist, my partner has also been attending a few sessions with me here and there. We make those sessions count, throwing everything holding us back on the table. Being open and honest with our emotions and problems may feel very vulnerable, and maybe even scary. But if your therapist, like mine, has your best interest in mind, it will work itself out in time. I learned these skills back when I was younger and going through a particular type of therapy called Dialectical Behavior therapy, or DBT for short. DBT taught me many, many things. For example, one thing it brought to light is that I think in complete black and white most of the time. There is no grey area for me, it is either all or nothing. (i.e. thinking that my partner either loves me wholly, or hates me wholly) This presents itself in my life as an extremity, causing me great difficulty in making daily life decisions and other aspects of my life. This is just one of the examples that was brought to my attention during that intense year of rehabilitation. A few of the skills I have use often:
If you are struggling right now, don’t be afraid to reach out to a friend or counsellor of some sort. This can be the first step toward recovery, and often the hardest one. I remember when I first told my mother I needed help, all the way back when I was 12 years old. It was one of the most difficult things to admit, both to myself and to someone else. But speaking up about your problems is nothing to be ashamed of. Having mental health issues is common, and can be treated through many different methods. Don’t keep putting it off. Recovery is a vital step in any one persons life, as well as mine. I look forward to the day I can look back at these days and think, “Everything worked out, just as I knew it would.” Thank you so much for reading. This was a slightly different post than any of my previous writings. I sincerely hope you enjoy it, as much as I enjoyed writing it. As always, send any questions, comments, and concerns to [email protected] I would love to hear from you.
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AuthorMy name is Theia, a non binary submissive with a growing passion for kink and BDSM. |